My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Best spot.. 😅
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
OKAY DAD
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
