My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
A friend helps you before you need it
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Anime is real
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
