My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
