Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.

Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again

NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.

Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!

Him: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?

Him: yes

Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves

Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*

me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!

son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle

Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

[at a restaurant]

me: do you have a box I can put this in

waiter: the… the child?

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.

If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.