my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
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“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake