my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
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One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
Waiting for the Charmin
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?