my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
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Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
how to market bottled water to dads
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that