My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You Might Also Like
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Worst Native American name ever.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
My cousin and her husband fell in love despite playing for rival marching bands, and yet she refuses to write a romance novel based on the experience
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet