My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
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Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Please vote for people who are attractive
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
British drink offers for guests:
“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.