Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.

Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.

Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

[wedding]

PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake

ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

when someone compliments me

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks

trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.

Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.

Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.

When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”

[Christmas Party]

*opening my gifts*

Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago

I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard

[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heart

My date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?

Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP

*Pokes the bear just to feel alive

*Bear uses bear spray on me

“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites