My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
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‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.