My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
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You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me
Is there a sale on stupidity, cause that shit is everywhere.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
That’s it.I’m out.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”