My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
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Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
You don’t see great advertising like this anymore
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
opening twitter today
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha