My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
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I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
bears
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?