My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
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When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
my dog when i have a friend over
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone