Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

Who wants to be my Valentine?

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

Mechanic said I blew a seal…

Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

HR: We need to see you for a moment

Me: Is this about the nail clipping?

He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit

BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.

I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.

HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.

Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!

Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?

– cannibal dinner party

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?

Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”

Lie.

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on

producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?

the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word

producer: sounds bad

the killers: its the greatest song ever written

Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.

6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?

Me: For cups.

6: But you can’t drink and drive.