My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
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Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
When my daughter gets angry at her siblings she tells them to go swallow an anvil and although it’s confusing I’m giving her props for creativity.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
When it comes to believing in myself I’m agnostic
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Found the job I’m suited for
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration