My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
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Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
The best shot in the history of golf
love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together