My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
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#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Dating is just wondering why someone is single and then slowly figuring it out
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
become ungovernable
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.