Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..

I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.

At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…

11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”

hey, alexa

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

i could be your emergency contact if you’re fine with me asking “is it urgent tho?”

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro

In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.

3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?

Me: Heaven.

3: I don’t want to go there.

Me: Why not?

3: It’s full of dead people.

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.

ME: Oh no.

I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.

All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

her: that lion is charging

me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add

her: ok it has my leg, now what

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days