My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Eggs benadryl my favourite
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
