My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
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Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”