My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
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– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up
wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
what the hell girl, sure
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.