My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
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My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
ok like just. call me at this point