Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?

My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here

[Interview]

Why do you want this job?

Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around

Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

Strange things: the prequel

Stranger things

2 Stranger 2 Things

Strangest Threengs

Strangfour th4ngs

5tranger Thing5

Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.

You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.

90’s style insults need to come back.

Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.

*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*

My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?

Asking for a friend. x

My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT

Six feet under.

– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge

Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.

What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.

And off to hell I go.

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”