[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
You Might Also Like
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Cndnsd Mlk
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.