[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
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Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.