[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
You Might Also Like
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”