[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
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LMFAOOOO
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”