My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
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“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
A classic…
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza