My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
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Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea