My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
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I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
i hope all the people who have me blocked because i annoy them are mad as hell they have to read this shit again. hi.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
huge if true: the moon
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.