My kid—who potentially had an allergic reaction to shrimp last week—just got extremely worried that he couldn’t eat a favorite food anymore, and I got to be the one to share the good news that whipped cream does not normally contain shellfish.
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“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!