Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”

That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

Me: Hi.

Girl: No.

Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.

“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

girls literally only want one thing..

Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”

Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

Just why bro?!

If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.

Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.