Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.

I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?

Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.

Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.

But I know I can win her back.

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”

Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”

*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”

police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.

I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.

[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?

Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.

when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]

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