My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
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I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
This meal prepping shit easy
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*