Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will

me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl

therapist; that’s progress

me: haven’t tried flying yet

therapist: please don’t

me: you sound just like her

I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.

I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?

Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha

Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*

Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.

Me: my husband’s snoring

Therapist: let me rephrase

So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?

daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?

me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.

Every single bad day happened because I woke up

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.