My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
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For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??