Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.

Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.

But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:

Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.

And then he walked away like it was completely normal.

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.

Cashier: How are you today?

Me: You too.

🤦🏻‍♂️

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap

[while house is on fire]

Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.

Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?

F: but the house is on fire.

Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.

*Refuses to go to the gym

Adds resistance training to workout list.

1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.