My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
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me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
incredible google review i just found
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Boss: How was vacation?
Me: Better than this.
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
iPhone X
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
(True)
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”