My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
You Might Also Like
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”