Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

Unscramble: pnise

If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.

Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.

Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

what my late-night hot pocket sees

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?

Me carrying around all the patience I have today x

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy

me: I always sleep naked

flight attendant: no

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”

A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”

A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.