My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
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BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
I stand by it
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
i’m gonna allow it
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?