My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
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my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Winnipeg!!
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
No one:
London landlords:
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
[30 seconds into a jazz song]
Omg, I think I really like jazz![30 seconds later]
Alright, enough of this
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician