My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
You Might Also Like
Hm.
No kidding?
HUH.
Really?
Wow, I did not know that.– me, reading my daughter’s Driver’s Ed textbook
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
October 31
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.