My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
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I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Just why bro?!
Ok cat haters, explain this…
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
he’s sick of your bullshit today
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE