Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[last day of creative writing class]

“are u ready to name ur band?”

Dave Matthews: u bet i am

Friend: not a fan.

Me: correct. you human.

“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane

I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.

My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs

My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.

I can’t go to jail…

I have serious food allergies!

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash

date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders

Camping?
No thank you.

If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.

My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.

CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.