Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still my favorite headline of all time:

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.

Probably with the other sock.

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate

ㅤ

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.

*must be why I’m single

Them: Are you single?

Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized

a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this

Kevin E

Then he’s pretty damn stupid…

But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin

Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.

For when you only want to be 35% sure.

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.