My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
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Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Ken is short for chicken
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?
Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room