Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

cat 911: what ur emergency

my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door

cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!

They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa

I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is

Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough

Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life

Wife: Yes of course!

Medium: He has something to say to you

Wife: omg go on

Medium: woof

Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.

Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.

(genuine human laughter)

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

every time I roll over in the middle of the night