My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
The opposite of Iceland is water water
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
