My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
did it work
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
So sorry
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
There has never been a better time to go into a shoe store and surreptitiously stuff a note into the largest shoe you can find: “This used to be my family home, you b*****ds. Signed, Old Woman.”
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
