My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
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cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.
Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.