Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse

I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.

[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

*fighting with the husband*

He: deal with it!!

Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*

Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?

Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it

Not long enough ahhh haha ha

Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

[game night]
date: do you have siblings?

me: *flips table*

date: so you’re the youngest

Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.