My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
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the best thing i’ve ever made
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828