Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.

Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles

before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.

“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”

tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home

“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?

Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

I just gave my cat a bath.

Your move Satan.

Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.

Me: Yes, but do go on…

imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”

Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.