Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you

The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer

Mrs The Godfather: WHAT

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.

Well played, sir.

Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

Student email: “hello…”

Student extension request email: “your grace…”

one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’

I love her

What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

date: I like to try new foods

me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR

Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise

Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%

I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂

me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son

wife: of course not, where is he

me: I just told you

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.