Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.

‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.

I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water

[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]

waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

No one:

Absolutely no one:

Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭

MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.

I feel it

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.

Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.