My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
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Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
God has left this place
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?