Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.

No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook

Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?

I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

*possum hospital

Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body

Dwayne Johnson: i got this

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely