My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
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When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.
Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you