My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
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And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?