My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
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Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Mad Max: Furry Road
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”
– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed