Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.

when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.

I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out

“Can I take your order?”

Wait, take it where?

“No, not-”

I haven’t even given you my order yet

“I mean-”

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.

[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin

Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:

Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.

I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.

Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.

Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.