Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat

ME: yes!

FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird

ME: yes!

FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog

ME: omg yes!

FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby

ME: ugh fine

A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”

[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”

Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”

me: so how do i look

eye doc: terrible

me: think glasses would help

eye doc: no i can see you fine

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic

Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code

Cop: what

Me: what

I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.

my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.

we only have two cats.

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself

Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).

Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean