my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
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Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
dictator is short for richard potato
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
*watches the world burn*
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture