my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
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Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying