Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot

doctor: do you use recreational drugs?

me: no

doctor: you don’t have to lie to me

me: yeah i know, but i like to

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

Whenever I’m behind a car in traffic with a “student driver” sign I like to honk the horn repeatedly to show my encouragement.

3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.

Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling

No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST

4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award

I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”

Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”

[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”

I hate celery. 🤮🥴

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using

[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.