My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
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[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.