My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
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I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
another case of gang violins
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works