My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.
But I eventually calmed down.
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“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear