My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.
But I eventually calmed down.
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Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.